Change

What I am writing here is brutally honest and open. But things I feel I need to release on my way to being a better person. The person I was intended to be.

I AM NOT A GOOD PERSON. I like to think I am, but in all honesty if someone was to look at me on a piece of paper they would not have that opinion of me. I have lied, cheated and stolen. Just typing those words out brings tears to my eyes. I think for the first time in my whole life I realize that what I was living was a lie...a facade of this person that I wanted to be but failed miserable.

What hurts the most in all of this is the hurt I have caused so many people. My parents, my husband, my children, other extended family and my friends have all suffered from my bad behavior. Because even in the little things can cause BIG hurt. And even in the little things trust can be lost for along time if not ever. Trust I can never do enough to regain.

I had an eye opener this weekend when I saw a person have a meltdown on tv. She was saying things I had heard myself say many times and she didn't realize how off the wall and out of control she was. I knew that was me. I knew I was the same way. I knew it was time for a change. I also knew I had to admit to my failures to overcome them.

Thankfully, I serve (though that is debatable lately) a forgiving God. I am not saying is a God I never doubt but he is a God that forgives. I also know that he is a God that will stick by me as I change and hopefully work to gain other forgiveness. Like Earl from the tv show....karma does get you but maybe I can rewrite my karma.

Stay tuned....I plan to be pretty transparent from this point forward and I hope you will enjoy the view.